I’m never for doing anything halfway. So if you want your kids to leave the church when they leave your home, I’ve got a list for you. Here are four ways that you can contribute to your child’s spiritual demise:
Make other things a priority over church assemblies and functions. Be sure that you are giving your child the impression that there are some things that are more important than assembling with the church if they are “big” enough. Be sure the church comes second to some things. These things include (but are not limited to) sporting events, vacations, family get-togethers, and even some forms of working. Only doing this occasionally is sufficient to get the point across to your child. Better yet, cut out Bible class entirely and only come for Sunday morning worship.
Don’t talk about God, Jesus, or the church when you are at home or in the car. Keep your lips sealed when it comes to spiritual matters. Don’t ask, and don’t tell.
When you do talk, be sure to complain and nitpick as much as possible. Complain about the preacher, his sermons, the elders, the deacons, the singing, the song selection, the Bible class, the Bible class teacher, the Bible class materials, young kids, older people, and any other Christian who is different from yourself. Never give your child the impression that you are appreciative of the church, or that you respect those who serve it. Never be satisfied. Be sure to plant the seed of dissatisfaction in your child’s mind.
Indulge your child’s immaturity. Despite the fact that they have yet to develop a real concept of the value of a dollar, give them full control when it comes to their most valuable asset: their soul. Even though they might want to eat pizza and french fries for every meal, let them make every soul-affecting decision for themselves. If they don’t want to do “it,” don’t make them do “it.” This applies to all aspects of participation, including Bible class, worship, and even (for the boys) leading worship. Make attendance optional. For that matter, make everything optional, with no consequences.
Of course no Christian parent really wants to drive their child away from God and the church. But sometimes we do things that might inadvertently do just that.
I’m not saying that if you ever do one of the previous four things I mentioned that your kids are destined for Hell’s fire. But what I am saying is that if you can catch yourself before you keep up some of those pitfalls then you will have a far better time helping your children to transition from being preteens, to being spiritually minded teenagers, and then to being faithful Christian adults.
Consider the statement made in Psalm 127:4 (NKJV): “Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, so are the children of one’s youth.” Just as arrows need to be aimed well in order to have a chance of hitting their target, our children need to be “aimed” well in order for them to have a chance of “hitting the target” of righteous and faithful living, and ultimately Heaven.
Even though the possibility exists that you won’t hit the “target” with your “arrows,” you definitely won’t get anywhere near the target if you aren’t at least taking careful aim at it. You have to at least try! Here are a few things to consider when it comes to making that aim:
Matthew 6:33 - Be sure that the kingdom (the church) is really the first priority in your family life. Don’t let other things become diversions that take you and your kids away from the church. Even missing or failing to participate a few times can set a precedent in your child’s mind that’s hard to change. You get bonus points if you take or encourage your children to go to Gospel meetings, singings, Summer Youth Series, Bible camp, and other such things.
Deuteronomy 6:6-7 - Teach your children at every opportunity. A nature walk can become a discussion about Genesis. A ride home from baseball practice can become a lesson about always doing your best (cf. Ecc. 9:10). Mealtime can become Bible time. Take those opportunities to teach, as they are all around you.
Philippians 2:14 - Don’t complain. Just don’t do it. There’s no good reason for it. Complaining doesn’t change anything, anyway. Only actually doing something changes things. Complainers often wait for others to do the changing, and inadvertently teach the principle of the “squeaky wheel” to their children. Don’t be that person. Be a doer.
Proverbs 22:6 - The word “train” in this verse means more than just talking to your kids about God. It literally means “to narrow,” and also is translated as “dedicate” in other places besides this passage. Think about dedicating your child’s path to the Lord, as well as “reining in” their immaturity. That’s what it really means to train - to narrow the focus of your child’s life to not just what they should do, but what they ought to do. There is a difference.
This is by no means an exhaustive list, nor does it cover every facet of raising your children to stay faithful. But I pray that you will take these words, and do some studying and praying on your own.
“Step up like a warrior, and aim those arrows to Heaven.”
You see, the reality is that there is one person who has more to do with a child’s direction in life than any preacher, elder, youth minister, teacher, or coach: It’s you, their parent. Step up like a warrior, and aim those arrows to Heaven.
- Daniel
6/1/13 NOTE: I'm so thankful for the 20,000+ of you who have read this article in the last three days. With that being said, I don't live on this blog, so I'm not able to keep up with every single comment that is made. Rest assured, though, that I'm reading them, and there may be subsequent posts dealing with some of the issues raised, as there is always a true Biblical answer for every question and concern. Thanks again for reading!
AMEN!
ReplyDeleteThanks for reading!
ReplyDeleteFirst time reader and great points! I am constantly aggravated by parents who allow their kids to miss due to sporting events because "they committed to the team" - it sure shows their lack of commitment to God. Our son has had 5 make up baseball games on Wednesday nights and we leave in plenty of time to make it to bible study. I'm not saying that to brag but you can still participate but your priorities need to be in the right place. I do hope that by him leaving the field and not throwing a fit that he is setting an example for someone.
ReplyDeleteI think that's a wonderful example on your son's part. By the way, thanks for reading, and don't make this the last time you stop by!
ReplyDeleteAlso a first time reader. I loved reading this! Spot on! My husband and I have three boys (5, 6, and 7), and our 6 year old is severely challenged. Going to church is one of the most difficult things we do every single week, but we still do it, because the rewards far outweigh the challenges we face. It is even more difficult to attend worship when we travel, yet we always make provisions for that as well. But we do it because we want our boys to grow up knowing that just because circumstances and events may complicate attendance, going to church and participating in worship is still our top priority. Not only is it the beginning of our week, it is the highlight of our weekend.
ReplyDeleteNot quite sure how this encourages parents. I will let my son know that if he plays in the last game of the season on sunday he will leave the church later.
ReplyDeleteWell, actually it's meant to discourage parents from doing some things that can discourage their child from being faithful. Also, read below the horizontal bar and you'll see that I mention how I'm not saying what you imply. Thanks for reading!
ReplyDeleteOuch.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry, but #1 and #4 are WAY off base. You're not winning anyone over with that. It's neither loving nor biblical. Your sarcastic and trivial post would benefit with some loving, honest advice. I hope you get there.
ReplyDeleteCheck, 2. check, 3. check, 4. check - and still have one that hasn't officially left and usually comes but may not in future years due to not seeing enough love, kindness and benevolence shown in the church. Her faith is diminished greatly due to that and wondering why God doesn't feel strong in her life anymore when her faith was so strong all through her growing up years. She was disappointed with the lack of leadership to follow with other teens. Saw most teens failing and there weren't enough doing well to encourage her. Focus on our young needs to be THE purpose these days!!! Churches wake up!!
ReplyDeleteThe first part is satirical. The loving, honest advice came at the end, Scott. Thanks for reading!
ReplyDeleteIn that you did the first four or the last four? By the way, there are no guarantees either way in what I wrote, but the percentages don't lie. Each situation may be unique, and some churches do drive youth away. But don't assume they all do. Thanks for reading!
ReplyDeleteGreat article! Now, I'm a teenager who has no experience with raising kids but I believe those are great Biblical values. It will definitely help me prepare to have kids one day! And I am convinced that one of the best ways to teach your children, is through example. We (parents and future parents) just have to make sure we are giving them a good example to follow! Thanks for posting!
ReplyDeleteI love this article, and I've been saying these same things for years. Unfortunately, they have mostly fallen on deaf ears. People come to me when their children are teenagers, asking advice on how to fix it. Sadly, I tell them that I don't know. I only know how to rear them properly from age 0. I've even tried to "fix it" with other people's kids, and that doesn't work, either. You have to follow the instruction manual when you're assembling something. If you don't, it won't work. In the case of children, you can't go back and fix it later.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, it's "reining" like a horse, not "reigning" like a king.
ReplyDeleteSometimes, even when you do everything "right," the kids leave the church anyway. (It's happened in my family.) But this is a very good starting place.
ReplyDeleteI love this article but in #4 what do you mean by the boys leading worship??? One sure way to turn girls off of church is to put in their minds they are not good enough to minister. I was not raised in a church like this and neither is my daughter....thank goodness!!!
ReplyDeleteIf you want your kids to leave the church, just keep teaching them that church is what's most important. When you talk to kids who are leaving or read the research that is so readily available (Barna Group, You Lost Me) it tells you that kids leave because they were never given deep relationship with God or others in the church. They were only taught church and religion.
ReplyDeleteI work with high schoolers at a CofC school, and the constant in their decisions to leave "the church" is the fact that there is nothing tying them to the church other than the guilt they feel when they don't show up. As long as we make attendance the whole point, you're going to lose the heart of the matter.
We need to teach our children HOW to have a personal relationship with God, and give them a strong community of people around them. Not just casual acquaintances who you small talk with on Sunday mornings.
The quickest way to have your kids stray is for parent, especially fathers, to NOT study the Bible at home. All the Bible classes and assemblies and other functions, led by others, will not do as much as a simple personal family study led by dad at home. I've known many teens who attended every class and service and youth devo and camp..and yet either fell away or led carnal lives fooling their parents because their attendance was good.
ReplyDeleteI was also confused by the parenthetical "for the boys" statement preceding the encouragement to lead worship. Is this sarcastic, or is it your belief that only boys should lead musical worship?
ReplyDeleteHow easy it is to blame someone else for that which falls squarely on the shoulders of parents. Respect for God starts with respect for parents. Respect for God's authority to rule in our lives, starts with respect for parents to direct the lives of their children when they are in the home. Blaming the church, or the decadent world in which we live will not alleviate our accountability before God when we stand before the judgment seat in the last day. IF in fact, people in the congregation are not conducting themselves in accordance with God's Will, it is the parents' responsibility to remove the family from such an environment, and seek to worship with those who are following His Will. Remaining in an acknowledged bad situation, places the blame right back where it belongs- on the parents. Try as you might, training up a child in the way in which he should go is not addressed to the church. its elders, the preacher or civil law.
ReplyDeleteNow, as for the example parents set in the home, this is key to the success of raising children who love and respect God. Jesus said "seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness." (Matt. 6:33) Is this what children are taught when anything comes between you and worshiping God? Each time that you deem something more important than serving God, you teach them that someday, when they are grown, THEY can decide what is and is not important. And THEY can decide that worshiping God is NOT important. Even after you have done everything the way God wants you to do it, in the final analysis, your children will have to account for themselves. Pray night and day that they will choose that which is right in the eyes of Him to Whom we must give account. But don't put yourself in the position of blaming everyone else, for what you have failed to do. Accept the responsibility, repent, and pray for forgiveness. Maybe then, your children will finally see that you are sincere in your commitment to God, and perhaps, be influenced to finally turn their hearts to Him. God bless you Daniel for your good insight and careful presentation of God's truth, in love for the souls of men.
The only caveat I would add to this is; be careful that with number one, you don't convey that assemblies are the church, i.e. the family of God. A very good article/sanity check.
ReplyDeleteI have to disagree with you on one thing, though I am not sure what age kids you are talking about, so maybe this is inconsequential. When I was 14, my father told me I no longer had to attend worship. He effectively put the choice into my hands. He said he hoped I would, but it was my responsibility from then on, because he had seen too many young people forced to go to worship by their parents until they were out of the house ... and as soon as they left, they left the church as well. It was just one more rule of their parents to be cast off. If I was at worship, it would be because I WANTED to be there, not because he forced me to be. I know this made a great difference in how I viewed things.
ReplyDeleteFirst, let me say that I agree with almost every comment. A few days ago my son came to our home for breakfast. After, we had a wonderful chat on the patio discussing this very thing. Not only is the church losing the young but also many others for many reasons. Many have left because Church has become a ritual and disappointment to many. Members walk in and sit in "THEIR" seat. You stand on cue, you sit on cue. If you look around many are watching their wristwatch to see how much longer. Many assemble together to be fed but not to serve. Some Churches like the old fashion way with the old gospel songs, many like the current praise songs especially the younger. If you happen to attend a smaller church where the ELDERS RULE, then by doggie you better not change one thing for those young yayhoo's that like the more contemporary music.. What happens is the church never will grow and eventually will die because there will be none to keep it going. Also, business meeting in most churches have turned into a three ring circus and those old folks that started the church make the rules and you do not speak unless you are one of them. You will not be heard! Children often witness this crazy confusion and want no part. If you remember the picture of Christ standing at the door and knocking, He was outside the Church. The light of the church was dim and only reflected to the street. Those outside could see their light but it never got outside where it was suppose to be. Many honestly are finding that they can serve God better outside and this includes many youths. Gathering together in prayer and a short meeting is necessary, but then go out and minister to those in the streets. My son said if you saw someone out raking their yard, grab a rake and rake right along side them as you share the gospel.. Fix lunches and go under the bridges, the highways and bi-ways and serve the hungry and homeless. Get outside of yourself and serve others, THEN YOU WILL STOP LOSING ALL THE YOUTH AND OTHER DISHEARTENED PEOPLE THAT HAVE BECOME DISAPOINTED WITH CHURCH.
ReplyDeleteThanks! I'll fix that when I'm back at my computer.
ReplyDeleteI think what Daniel has in mind here is the leading in public worship, not "ministry" in the general sense of the word. Every Christian--male or female--is to be a minister, but God has clearly stated that men are to be the public leaders in the corporate worship assembly (study 1 Corinthians 14 and 1 Timothy 2 carefully). That said, no congregation can be strong without women being strong servants for God. I know my life--and my preaching--has been enhanced by the work, study, comments, support, and love of wonderfully faithful Christian ladies.
ReplyDeleteDaniel, thank you for your courage in addressing what's obviously (based on some of the comments below) a controversial subject. One I know pulls at the heartstrings of many parents with "wayward" children. I commend you on your perspective and observations. I raised three children, all now in their mid-thirties. Mine were always at "church" unless ill--as you brought out, vitally important they understand our worship to God is a priority. Your commenters, for the most part, have been quick to point to your position on "church attendance", whether they agreed or disagreed. But it's interesting to see how relatively few addressed the other equally important issue of making our Christianity a way of life, which you also stressed. I'm certain that most, if not all, would agree that what goes on "outside" the assembly is as important as what goes on "inside". Dare I even suggest, I believe it to be more important? More important in this way; If I neglect the daily "walk" with my children, neglect sharing the daily "God" lessons in life with them, neglect making daily "Biblical" applications to life's circumstances visible to them, neglect teaching them how to daily "worship" their God through their behavior and priorities...then all the "church" attendance in the world will mean nothing. Don't misunderstand me--our salvation is, without question, through our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and He is Head of the body, His church. Scripture clearly states that He died for "the church" and is her savior. If the "assembly", the "Church", the collective group of God's people, was not vitally important, then Christ should not have died for her. And, as an individual Christian, it's imperative for me to be a part of the collective and not neglect the assembly (Hebrews 10:25).But the Church is only as strong and righteous as its individual members. Therefore, I must be vigilant in the guiding and instructing of my kids. As one commenter suggested, I MUST teach them to love Jesus, to have a personal relationship with their Lord and Savior, to revere their God...and that takes place at home. When that's done, then their understanding of the absolute necessity of worship and the assembling of His body, the Church, will come, without question, if they desire to be pleasing to Him. All the blaming and accusations against "the Church", to explain why we are losing our young people is really only an excuse for the neglect that is often in our homes. When all is said and done, kids are going to have to make their own choices, but parents needn't make it easy for them to walk away from God.Thanks for allowing my rambling,
ReplyDeleteDana Burk
www.danaburk.com
Great article! But what is "the church?" You mixed that between a universal idea of God's saved, with the kingdom referred to in Matthew, I'm assuming a coalition of CoCs you believe to be approved... Just don't understand what you mean by "leave the church" in specific. All that aside, this is a fantastic approach!!
ReplyDeleteScott, thanks for reading! The church is the kingdom, and the kingdom is the church, thus, if we are seeking first the kingdom of God, we are seeking the things of the body of Christ, of which Jesus is the head (Col. 1:18). So, by "leave the church," I'm talking about leaving the body of Christ, the kingdom. Consider Mark 9:1, Also the church being written to in Col. 1:13. Jesus makes the church and kingdom synonymous in Matt. 16:18-19. I'd love talk more about this via email if you have further questions.
ReplyDeleteThanks for reading, Jan! I'll have to disagree with you on one primary point, though, too: You aren't putting Jesus first if you aren't putting his kingdom first (Matthew 6:33). Jesus can't be separated from his body, the church (cf. Colossians 1:18). When I reference "church" I'm not referring to just the assembly, either, as many people must think I am. I'll have a follow-up post that deals with this issue. Again, thanks for reading!
ReplyDeleteSeveral posters are taking issue with Daniel's high regard for the importance of the church, and with the suggestion that things like ballgames shouldn't take priority over the worship assembly.For those who are doing so, please consider: (1) The church was purchased with the blood of Christ, and (2) In multiple places in the New Testament, the church is referred to or compared to the "Bride of Christ".To me, that gives a clear picture of the importance of the church (from God's perspective) in all of its manifestations, inside and outside the building.Thanks for reading; please feel free to now continue downplaying the importance of the church and emphasizing how vital it is that your child be at a sporting event rather than at worship.(Sorry for the sarcasm; thanks to Daniel for an outstanding post.)
ReplyDeleteI try to find a pattern of balance for my family. As a nurse I am required to work some weekends. I work my scheduled weekends with good conscience because I am serving others, more than once I have had someone from church come in injured, and I was there to care for them. I volunteer to take call on Sunday if the census is low, but I never try to force a non christian to take my place and work all my Sundays, because if they ever decided to go to church they would never have the opportunity because they are working my Sunday's. With my children's activities I try to limit their absences, when it is time for the county fair, they always schedule the horse shows and other activities on Sunday, every other 4-H show of the season is on Saturday, but that one. I wake my children early, and we worship at home before leaving for the day, we put God first, then I pray that we are done in time for evening services. I know some will argue, but children also need to know how to worship with two or three people because they may find themselves in a situation where they cannot go to worship or needing to start their own congregation (I'm thinking those remote ranches in Wyoming, Nebraska, and Colorado).
ReplyDeleteI would just like to point out the other point of view. I grew up in a household where my mother said, "My house, my rules" and I went to church every single Sunday whether I liked it or not - even through college. When I went through it, I hated her for it. But now that I have come around and became a pastor, I now understand the deep love she had for me. She loved me so much that she would rather have me hate her, than to not spend a Sunday with the Lord. I see that as true love, and the type of love that should be modeling for our children.
ReplyDeleteAngie,
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure of your situation, but there are leagues (here in central Md. Christian Youth Athletics and Christian Athletic Association) that do not play on Sunday. For us, we have to drive a little farther than the local ball fields. But it's worth it to know that we don't have to make the choice of what's more important. Further, you can always attend an evening service Sunday-or if you are a part of a large congregation, there may even an evening Saturday service.
Wonderful article. I've seen too many parents skipping church for sports events. The funny part is that, before I had the chance to ask why they missed church (out of concern for their well-being, of course), they would voluntarily tell me that it was due to a sporting event, that so and so needed to attend in order to remain on the team. This information always preceded the immediate justification/sad story as to why they needed to do this. If you're feeling the need to be justifying your actions, it's the first sign that you're conscious isn't entirely buying into your own philosophy. What is more, and considerably worse in my opinion, is when I'm told, "We had a quick devotional, and sang some worship songs at home before we left for the games." Bam! Now that the church box has been checked, it's now time for business as usual. Sunday is not summarized into one church service and then it's all done. We can't compromise faith and biblical truths to accommodate/justify our irresponsibility. My favorite example was when a parent told me the story about the movie, "Chariots of Fire," where a man honored God by not racing on a Sunday. Consequently, by honoring God on His Lord's day, God blessed the man by enabling him to win a longer distance race the next day. After the story, the parent explained to me why it was important for their kids to play on Sunday. Confused? So was I. Thanks Daniel for your post! I'm sure I'll enjoy what more you have to say. A parent
ReplyDeleteThe last sentence of #2 is a little ironic.
ReplyDeleteDot your i's and cross your t's and your kids will keep attending! Work, work, work! Be sure to save your kids through your works and your acts of faith!This makes me sad. Where is Jesus? Where is the Holy Spirit? Where is the encouragement to pray relentlessly for your kids? To model Christ by seeking after the poor and the abused and the broken? Why is the focus attendance? The Body of Christ isn't a rotary club! It is the literal hands and feet of Jesus to the lost!This entry is ENTIRELY why I no longer attend a Church of Christ. Because it is not "THEE church", the focus shouldn't be on getting the check list taken care of, the void of an indepth conversation about and effort towards seeking Jesus and the Spirit and the example thereof, the verbiage like "fallen away" when one fails to attend on a regular basis, the exclusivity of it all, the constant focus inward and such a small heart for those outside of the walls. It makes me so sad. I feel we as followers of Christ have missed the mark when our focus is on keeping butts in the pews and NOT on teaching our kids to dine with sinners, to hurt for the hurting, to LONG to embody the Spirit of the living God!
ReplyDeleteThe focus is not attendance, but that is part of it. See the bottom half of the post, points 2-4. They are not exhaustive in their suggestion, just as your comment isn't either, but they are things done and modeled in the home first (especially Deut 6:6-7). Thanks for reading (a bit more carefully the second time)!
ReplyDeleteYou left out the most important and proven sucessful way. Studies show that sending your children to Public Schools is the BEST way to get them to leave the church. Studies show that children listening to the OPPOSITE moral values and worldview than their parents and church, 6 hours a day, 5 days a week, year after year, spouted my adults their parents tell them they must respect, leads to a cognitive dissonance that is extremely difficult to overcome. It is the number one reason college students give for not going to church.
ReplyDelete"Fear of man proves to be a snare" Prov. 29:25.John Piper has said that we love to compare, compare, compare. That is lovelessness. True love does not compare.So many parents are trying to live through their children's activities. It starts so early with parents of newborns- compare, compare, compare. Our kids have to be the best, smartest, most athletic, first to walk, sing, run, memorize, etc. If they do not, something must be wrong with me the parent. So if I make my children miss practice for attending worship, my kids may fall behind and then not have the opportunity to be the BEST at something. What will others think? What if my kid loses a spot on the team because of my decision to honor God? As parents, we not only want people to like our children, but we also want people to like us. We fear man more than we fear God. Self esteem is god. Will our kids be scarred if they do not make first team everything?The Church is the hope of the world. Jesus didn't talk about any other institution withstanding the gates of Hell. Jesus died for the Church. He must think it is preeminent in importance. Maybe we should think of the "100 Year Rule." In 100 years, what will really matter?
ReplyDeleteIt seems like in Acts 2:42-47 nobody was challenging an article like this one! People wanted to be around other believers ALL the time.Great post.
http://www.answersingenesis.org/articles/2009/06/24/already-gone
ReplyDelete