"You're about to start paying for your raising."
Those were his words. They hit my ears like sleet hits the back of your neck on a cold winter day. I don't think he meant any harm by them. But they didn't feel good.
You see, he was saying them just a few days after the birth of our first child, Jenaleigh. Why did they hit me so painfully?
First, we were coming off of what had been a difficult pregnancy for my wife.
Second, we had just brought home a newborn that refused to sleep unless she was held.
Third, we were worried sick that Jenaleigh might have hip dysplasia, and a trip to Vanderbilt Children's Hospital (with our one-week old) was on the horizon.
I really wasn't in the mood for this aged man's words of "wisdom," as they were far from encouraging.
I held my peace. But I haven't forgotten the sting.
Welcome to the Club!
For some reason we have this twisted notion that expectant parents are supposed to be tortured. The last few weeks of a pregnancy are depicted as impending doom instead of impending joy. Of course this is done in something resembling goodwill and jesting. It's the hazing that is supposed to welcome them to the club of parenthood.
But comments like:
- "You'd better get some rest now, because you won't get any when the baby gets here." (Not helpful, because sleep doesn't have rollover minutes.)
- "You have no idea how much your life is about to change." (This one is usually said with a slightly sinister grin.)
- "You are about to get yours!" (But what if I was a good kid?)
People do the same thing when it comes to marriage. I can remember several people asking me, just days before my wedding, "Are you sure this is what you want to do?" Lately I've wondered how such people might have felt had their probing made me want to call off the wedding.
They also made comments like, "You might think you are ready, but you are not!" Wow. Thanks for the encouragement.
Now I understand that such comments aren't meant to harm. But they are akin to asking a kid, "How is school going?" People say those things when they don't know what else to say. They are impersonal, and sometimes even uncaring or discouraging.
While the people who say them may mean no harm, I'm afraid that such statements are symptoms a flaw in our perception and portrayal of the family. Instead of being a blessing, a family is often depicted as being a burden.
It's No Wonder…
Maybe it's no wonder, then, that birth rates (while leveling off) are lower than they have been in 100 years.
For that matter, maybe it's also no wonder that marriage rates are at a new low.
Maybe most of the older folks who make the previously mentioned remarks really do love and cherish their families. Maybe they are proud of them, and thank God every day for their blessings. But apparently that isn't the impression that younger people are getting.
They get the impression that families hold back careers. They get the impression that families stifle dreams and self expression. They get the impression that families are a necessary evil that have to be "handled" and "dealt with."
Sadly, those impressions may not be far from the truth in the families of some people. Accordingly, they are left with the impression that the hardships outweigh the benefits. With the "ball and chain" being the standard marital metaphor, and moms who "can't wait to get back to work" being the post-natal conversation, who wants to enter the kind of slavery that a family seems to be?
But those thoughts couldn't be further from the truth.
God's Idea of Marriage and Family
God makes it plain that marriage and children are to be spoken of and thought of as being a blessing.
In Hebrews 13:4 we read that "marriage is honorable above all." The word "honorable" tells us that marriage ought to be held in high esteem. It ought to be respected. It is not a "civil right," it is a sacred privilege, designed and implemented by God himself for the good of mankind (see Genesis 2:18-24).
The psalmist reminds us that children are a "heritage from the Lord." In other words, they are a blessed inheritance. They are a reward from God. The man who has many of them is portrayed as being a blessed, happy man (Psalm 127:3-5).
Proverbs 17:6 tells us that "grandchildren are the crown of aged" (ESV). The "crown" represents a symbol of celebration, or status, and implies that their own children have embraced God's blessing of family.
Despite all the problems that we see in families in the Bible, to be unable to marry or have children was dishonorable and depressing.
Isn't it interesting how we've reversed that perception in our society—that choosing to focus on having a family instead of climbing the corporate ladder is seen as a disappointment. The mom who stays at home isn't fulfilling her potential. The dad who gets paid less so that he can work in a job that allows him to actually see his kids is lazy.
How sad.
What Can You Do?
So few are the words of encouragement that I received before the birth of our first child that I can remember each instance.
The one that stands out in my mind the most came from a man with two young kids himself. They were something to this effect:
"I love having kids. You'll love having them too. Sure it can be hard sometimes. But we can't remember what we did before we had them, and we can't imagine doing anything without them now!"
That's the sort of thing that my generation needs to hear today. Family is a blessing. I can honestly say that I was truly encouraged by this man's words.
What you can do is glorify the family with your speech. Honor marriage, not only in your words, but in the example you give to your children, and even your children's friends.
Let us not speak of the "ball and chain," or "paying for your raising" anymore. Let us speak of honor. Let us speak of blessings when we refer to the family.
Don't deride the family with your speech any more, even if you are only kidding. Instead, by your words and actions, make others want one!
-Daniel
